Back to China

I'm currently at 35000 feet on my flight back to China. Jack and I are headed back to try and get things re-aligned with ZTE. We are going to spend the rest of this week getting ready for 2 days of meetings with ZTE next week. I'm really hoping that we can come up with some good plans and that we do a good job articulating our needs and our story. Yesterday was fast Sunday (March 1st already) and most of the family fasted for this next upcoming week. You know what's crazy - I didn't even think to do that. In fact, I have to be honest with the fact that I've been a little depressed for the last year probably - every since Mom passed away. I haven't been able to exercise right, sleep right or do anything right. It's been a VERY tough year and I just haven't admitted to myself the cause for my feelings and my sadness. It's affected my relationships with my family and it's time that I admitted my issues and I stepped up to make changes in my life. Positive changes that will make a real impact in my life. The #1 issue over the past year is that I've nearly stopped reading my scriptures and my prayers have been rare and far between. My faith has waivered even though my actions would not indicate it. I didn't realize any of this until Amy told me that she was fasting for me and my job. It was like a slap in the face - a slap that I really needed! It took me back to that day that I took her to Stake Conference in Provo, UT - it was the day she chastized me for not having my suit coat on - the day that I knew she would help stay on the straight and narrow whenever I strayed! What a HUGE blessing! Wow! I feel like I found something that has been lost forever - and I didn't even know it was lost!

I know that I've felt the spirit many times over the past year, but I definitely have to admit that my faith was shaken. I was fulfilling my calling, reading scriptures with the family, saying prayers only out of habit - not out of faith and conviction. I wonder if Amy has noticed. I wonder if this has been a strain on her faith - is this the reason that she has also been struggling with happiness? Has my lack of true faith been a sub-concious drain on the entire family? I'll never know the answer, but I do know this - it's time for me to do something about it!! It's time for me to lift my heart, to re-devote myself to the Savior, to pray like I've never prayed before, and to really put my trust once again in The Lord. My family fasted for my job this weekend, little did they know that they were really fasting for me and my lack of faith - little do they know that they healed me - they may have saved me this weekend! I'm not sure how I can adequately thank my family - but I will start by sharing this blog with them. As I look back on my life, I wonder if the reason that I've been drawn to writing in my journal is so that I can have these types of epiphanies. Although I knew that I didn't think to fast for my job, it wasn't until writing about this today, that I realized what that really meant!! Wow! Words can't express the thoughts I'm feeling, the emotion in my heart, the feeling of love as I feel my Savior's arms wrapped around me for the first time in forever. I will try to explain my feelings:

• I miss my Mom so much and although I try to act brave and strong, I really just need to express my loss, my sadness, and just mourn the loss of my dear Mom.
• I realize now that for the past year, I've been pushing away those that love me the most, Amy and the kids. I've been "numb" - unable to really feel life and love like I used to.
• Life has been a blur - I've been going from day to day, just working hard, trying to dull the pain, trying to stay busy, trying to be strong. I've been falling further and further away from the only power that will heal me - the Atonement of Jesus Christ!!
• I need to lay my pain, my fears, my lack of faith, my loss, my sadness at the feet of the Savior and let him take that pain away from me! I need to wake up, breath fresh air again, exercise, fight the pain in my body and realize that each and every day of my lift is a gift from Heavenly Father. I've been blessed with an incredible family and I'm missing the opportunity to really let them know how important they are to me.
• I just finished crying through the entire song "You Surround Me" by Katherine nelson. The last line is "you are the hope that carries me". That is what I've been missing
• Another thought, another realization. My back disease, my pain, it has taken hope from me and I'm taking it back. Yes - I will hurt for the rest of my life, but I will no longer let that take away my faith and my spirit. I will fight the pain by laying it at the feet of the Savior. He will give me the strength that I need!
• I can't help but share an important thought - when I get back, I will start running again with Amy. I have a very strong feeling that the daily exercise will be the key for me to physically push back the feelings of inadequacy, of fear, of pain and say "Hey! I'm taking my life back! I'm going to keep my faith! I'm going to trust in The Lord! I'm going to enjoy every single day I have left on this earth! I'm even going to enjoy the day when I have to stand before ZTE and share the bad news that I have to share with them!"

Honestly, I feel happier than I've feel in forever! Heavenly Father is real! His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, really died for my sins. He was resurrected so that I could return to live with him forever. I hold the priesthood of God - it's real! The Book of Mormon is true! I studied Jacob 3 - 4 today and I learned a ton. I'm going to study my scriptures every day. I'm going to pray every day. I'm going to CHOOSE to be happy every day. I'm going to give my family, especially my eternal companion, the biggest hug when I return. My family IS MY LIFE! I'm so excited to spend 10 solid days with them and I will cherish every day. It will be incredible!!