Frankly - I miss my Mom!! I've had a pretty hard day today. An early flight to San Jose for the Homewood DKO, some pretty rough meetings with both Mike Frey (negative feedback from HP) and Greg Dix (asking for dedicated ARM support from my team). Then I spent 4.5 hours in meetings with Cisco and another 1.5 hours with Jerry on BragiNG and how to deal with the customer. It's tough - it's not fun - but I made it through the day. I still have another 1.5 hour meeting with ZTE tonight, but I wanted to take the time to share my thoughts and feelings about this day - really about this year - then I will paste Adam's post below. So - here's my thoughts:
I miss Mom like crazy! She meant the world to me. On a day like today, I'm certain I would have called her to get some comfort, to talk about her health and my health, to ask her about her artwork and to pick on Dad a bit. It would have been such a welcomed distraction from the crazy, complex life that I live. Last week as Jarrett's 1yr birthday. Mom would have sent so many presents to my cute little boy! Heck - Mom may very well have tried to fly out for the birthday party that we had on Saturday. She would have loved to have seen that cute little boy in his high-chair, making a total mess out of a piece of cake!! I'm very happy to see some of the changes that have happened in my family since Mom passed away. Dad had re-married and he's happy, able to travel and do things he's never done before. Adam is finally married, to a very sweet woman and I'm so happy for him. Melinda is starting to actually take care of herself and become independent! Tracie is just hanging in there. My kids are growing, but I've started to create relationships with them that are deeper and more meaningful. It's crazy to think that in the end, I've actually had a pretty good year and been blessed in so many ways, but at the same time, I've been deeply wounded with the loss of Mom and the health issues that have honestly left me depressed and sore most days. I really need to pick myself up and make some real changes in my life. I need to focus on being healthy and strong so that I can keep up with my kids as they continue to grow into teenagers and adults. I'm going to turn 40 next year and the next decade will bring completely new challenges and opportunities. The next 10 years will be for my kids - not for me. I need to be there for them and I need to be healthy for them!!
In the end - there's really only one reason I made it through the past year - AMY! My sweet wife is amazing and I can't get over how much she means to me and the kids. She does so much for us, she sacrifices everything for us! She's the reason I wake up and go to work everyday! I love her so very much!!
I feel better - it was good to jot down my feelings on this anniversary of Mom's death! I love her and miss her so much! Here's Adam's post:
Today marks exactly one year since the worst day I’ve ever experienced. And I realize, as I write this, that it’s down to the moment that I got that awful phone call from my brother. I’ve dreaded it for weeks, fearing the return of the pain and sorrow I felt when my mom died. I thought mostly about what I could do to mark this day.
I thought about all the things I could say about mom that I haven’t yet, but nothing really felt right. So I decided I would write a message to those who, like me, have lost someone dear to them. I’ve learned a lot about loss this past year. But I’ve also learned a lot about hope. And about love. I would consider myself selfish if I didn’t try to share some of that with others.
For those who have lost recently, I wish there was something I could do to help you. The words I say will probably do nothing for you. Nothing anyone will say is going to help you through this difficult time. Your world is irrevocably changed and there is nothing that will bring things back to normal. I know how it feels. I know the pain and sorrow. A lot of people know how it feels. You’ve joined an elite group of people who have had to deal with the pain, sorrow, and struggle of losing someone special. I know, first hand, just how hollow the phrase, “They’re in a better place” feels when the only thing you want is to hold that person’s hand or give them a hug. If there is anything I can say to help, it is this; Find someone else who has been here before. Talk to them, if they are willing. And some may not be willing, because the loss never goes away. 40 years from now you’ll look around and wish that person was there with you. And that’s okay.
If there’s something I can tell you not to do, it is this; Don’t look around and compare yourself with those around you. If you suddenly look up and realize that everyone seems to be over it, and you’re still crying your eyes out, remember that you are not them. You are you, and your relationship with that person was different from all others. Remember, also, that some people are better at hiding their grief than others. Even if everyone around you looks like they are happy, remember that they still feel sorrow.
For some people, they must wear a mask to deal with the pain. Some have to share that pain with the world. Others just want to hide. Everyone handles grief differently. There are no steps to recovering from loss like this. There is no manual. You will have to find your own way, like so many other things in life. And death is, sadly, another part of life. We all have to face it eventually. Whether it is a loved one’s death or our own. And I can’t tell you how to get through the experience. And it is an experience. You won’t get over it. But you will get through it.
My own experience was filled with some of the most amazing blessings that came along after mom died. I hold on to the belief that those blessings came directly because my mother still exists as a spirit, and that she is working to help me as much as she can. I’ve seen her signature on the work of art that my life is becoming, and I thank her for all that she did when she was alive and for the things she continues to do for me. But getting through the last year was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and it’s been the longest year of my life.
Right now, everything seems like a blur of motion to me. I don’t remember much about the first few months after mom died, but that’s mostly because I did very little. I mostly sat in my apartment, desperately trying to distract myself with video games, TV shows, books, and movies. I wrote on occasion. I was lucky enough to have a job that allowed me to work from home, though I did not work very well for a while. A friend of mine said that when his father died, all he could do was sit and watch bad kung fu movies. I went through every episode of the TV show “Archer” about 5 times.
The thing that really pulled me out of my funk, though, was the love of a beautiful woman, who was kind enough to be patient with me during this period of struggle. She came along at exactly the right time, and in exactly the right way, and I am honored to now call her my wife. Since we married, I’ve still had moments of sadness and loss, where I wish I could be with mom again, but those moments are much fewer now, and the time between them is much longer. I don’t know how things would have turned out without her.
But for those who have lost, I can’t give you a recipe to recovery. I can’t tell you how to get through this struggle, or how to forget and move on. All I can tell you is to wait. If you get to the point where you feel like you can’t keep waiting for the pain and sadness to end, just wait a little longer and things will get better. Little by little, the pain will get easier to bear, until one day you’ll look up and realize that life is moving forward again, and that you can make it.
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